I want to talk about self-care. I know, this can be a complicated topic. On the one hand, talking about self-care can feel a little finger pointing. There’s nothing like being a new mom who’s hardly able to sleep and then being told you need to make yourself a priority. Or being in the stage when you are NEVER alone and you’re being told to make space for yourself. A big one for me was doing foster care and being told by the social workers that we needed to take care of ourselves and use respite care and then there being no respite providers to help with that. I get that type of feeling completely. When you can’t do anymore than what you are doing, how are you supposed to do something else on top of all that to ‘take care of yourself’ no matter how much you need it. And yes, we need it. It’s overwhelming just writing about it. So trust me, that is not where this will go.

Another place self-care can get tricky is when we take on cultural beliefs instead of Biblical truths. There are so many messages out there that make it seem like you are the most important and your health and happiness trumps everything else and everyone else. These messages, if we come to believe them, can lead us to a place where we are always the priority—where we don’t give on our ‘routines’, where we cannot be flexible, and where our needs take center stage. I’ve been through this myself as a young mom and I wrote more about that in Want Friends?

There is a saying in the world of self-care that I have to call out because it always hits me wrong. You might disagree with me, and that’s ok. But it is when people say “you have to put on your own oxygen mask before helping someone else with theirs”. Every time I hear that, the mom in me says, “HUH?!” I imagine myself in an airplane with my children, us running low on oxygen and then saying, “Just a minute honey, I know you can’t breathe, but I’m going to put on my mask before helping you.” I get the concept—you need to be good before you can help others. And I don’t disagree with that. It’s true. I just hate that picture. So for the rest of this post, don’t imagine the oxygen mask thing…

The best picture for me as a mom, has always been the mom as a pitcher and the kids as the cups. If your pitcher is full, you can pour out to your kids and others. If your pitcher is empty, you need it refilled. If you continue even when empty, your pitcher can crack and then you need it repaired before it can get refilled in order to be able to pour out to your kids. I like this picture because all moms know that you have to pour out when you aren’t full. Sometimes you are half full and you keep going. But we also know we have a limit and we need refill and repair to keep doing what we do well. In an ideal world, we would be able to do a little bit of refilling constantly, so we don’t get to the point of needing refill or repair. But life is life and ideal doesn’t always work.

I want to talk here about something I heard from a really smart mom. I don’t know her name or I would give her all the credit. She shared it with a mom’s group I was in. She was a mom with 3 littles—anyone who has been in that stage or is in that stage understands what that is like. 3 was the point where I stopped and thought, “How is this going to work? There are 3 of them and I only have 2 hands!” It’s also a time when you don’t get much rest. That is particularly what she shared about. She was struggling to figure out how to keep going with all she had to do. Then she spent time pondering her heart. I mean her literal heart—the muscle in her chest that never stops beating. She started thinking about how the rhythms of her heart were such that after each beat, there is a tiny rest. Our hearts can’t stop completely or we would die. But a tiny rest is included in it’s natural rhythm after every beat. This led her to see a different definition of rest. Maybe she couldn’t just stop and take a nap, but maybe she could work tiny rests into her rhythm to allow herself to stay energized.

When I heard that years ago I thought it was amazing. What would that even look like? Little things throughout my day. Tiny moments that help me recenter. In essence, this would be those things that keep putting water in my pitcher, even if in small amounts that keep my pitcher from running dry.

This is quite a different concept than we typically think of when we think of self-care. Usually we hear about the big things—get a massage, a spa day, a girls’ night, etc. Those things can be amazing and help with refilling your pitcher. But at least in my life, there wasn’t a whole lot of space for bigger methods of self-care. When I could get them, they were great, but filling your pitcher up with big amounts of water once in while doesn’t necessarily get you through. Those small, regular additions are what keep you going.

So what might be some of those tiny, regular things you can add into your already packed rhythms? I am not going to fill in this space here with my own ideas for you to try. One reason is because I know we are all individuals and our stage of life and family are unique. The truth is that you know yourself better than I do. So guess what your action step is going to be for today? :) I will get to that in a second, but first there is something really important I have to say.

God cares. He knows how busy you are. He knows how tired you are. He knows you might even dream about going and hiding somewhere no one can find you. You do matter. You do need to keep being filled up. Psalms 107:9 reminds us that “he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things.” Satisfying and filling…. Both things we are looking for in caring for ourselves. We can’t forget that God is the filler. He is our sustainer. Maybe we wish he would just give us enough to overflow our pitcher every day, but he does give us what we need. Sometimes this is just enough to keep us coming to him because ‘we just can’t do this’. Anytime we are in need of refilling or repair, the first thing we need to do is look up. He is with us and can help us.

Now for that action step.

What tiny things can you do during your day that:

Are quick

Don’t take any special circumstances or materials

Can be done with people around (especially with your kids)

Change your perspective, and

Make you feel just a little bit calmer.

If that feels overwhelming to think about, or you have no ideas, try asking God. He knows exactly what you need.

The complicated world of self-care

Leaf Cutter Ants and Growth